Patience is a virtue, or so they say...

Let's be real for a moment, sometimes the stresses of caregiving come down to those small things that no one else would really pay attention to or be bothered by. Maybe it's because I'm "new" to this whole caregiving situation, or maybe it's because I've been doing it since I was a teenager... I find the more daunting the task, the more I become frustrated with it. It would be easy for me to just let go and let God, but what does a caregiver do for themselves when everything seems like it's making them crazy?

I find visiting Caregiver.org to be helpful, for tips on being just that, a caregiver. There is no manual that comes along with you put your life and everything you do on hold for loved ones who are touched by a horrifically devastating disease, which they had no control over. I forget, this is not what we signed up for. None of us wanted these cards that we were dealt. With that being said though, how do we make it easier on ourselves rather than more and more difficult?

Caring for my brother, there is not patience from either of us. He is very much in the stage of "I want this now" "Do this for me now" "Get it for me now" "Make it for me now"... Whether it is 6:00 AM and I am still asleep, or if I am in the shower, or getting dressed, or at midnight. He doesn't mind when he asks me, just as long as it gets done for him at that exact moment.

I find as a caregiver I have lost a lot of who I am, but I do need to remember that my dad and brother have lost all of who they are or were... Caregiver.org says, "Caregiving can be tiring and stressful. When you're caring for others, it's easy to forget to care for yourself. While it may be difficult to find time to focus on yourself and your needs, it is very important that you do so to prevent frustration and burnout." Is this selfish? Yes, I do get breaks and am able to spend time with friends a couple days out of the month and switch off with my mom who is also a stay at home caregiver. But when I'm away I can't help but think she needs me home to help as I know how stressful it can be to do it all alone.

Caregiving.org suggests modifying your thoughts:

As you take time out to collect your thoughts, try rethinking your situation in ways that reduce frustration. How you think often affects how you feel. Of course, feelings of frustration arise from difficult circumstances. If, however, you analyze your response to a frustrating situation, you will usually find some form of maladaptive—or negative—thinking that has the effect of increasing your frustration, preventing you from looking at your situation objectively, or finding a better way to deal with it.
Below are six major types of unhelpful thought patterns common among caregivers. Following each unhelpful thought pattern is an example of an adaptive—or more helpful—thought that can be used as self-defense against frustration. Familiarizing yourself with the unhelpful thought patterns and the adaptive responses can help you control your frustration.
Over-generalization: You take one negative situation or characteristic and multiply it. For example, you're getting ready to take the person in your care to a doctor's appointment when you discover the car battery has died. You then conclude, "This always happens; something always goes wrong."
Adaptive response: "This does not happen all the time. Usually my car is working just fine. At times things don't happen the way I would like, but sometimes they do."
Discounting the positive: You overlook the good things about your circumstances and yourself. For example, you might not allow yourself to feel good about caregiving by thinking, "I could do more" or "anyone could do what I do."
Adaptive response: "Caregiving is not easy. It takes courage, strength, and compassion to do what I do. I am not always perfect, but I do a lot and I am trying to be helpful."
Jumping to conclusions: You reach a conclusion without having all the facts. You might do this in two ways:

1. Mindreading: We assume that others are thinking negative thoughts about us. For example, a friend doesn't return a phone call, and we assume that he or she is ignoring us or doesn't want to talk to us. Adaptive response: "I don't know what my friend is thinking. For all I know, she didn't get the message. Maybe she is busy or just forgot. If I want to know what she is thinking, I will have to ask her."
2. Fortune-telling: You predict a negative outcome in the future. For example, you will not try adult day care because you assume the person in your care will not enjoy it. You think, "He will never do that. Not a chance!" Adaptive response: "I cannot predict the future. I don't think he is going to like it, but I won't know for sure unless I try."

"Should" statements: You try to motivate yourself using statements such as "I should call mother more often" or "I shouldn't go to a movie because Mom might need me." What you think you "should" do is in conflict with what you want to do. You end up feeling guilty, depressed or frustrated.
Adaptive response: "I would like to go to a movie. It's okay for me to take a break from caregiving and enjoy myself. I will ask a friend or neighbor to check in on Mom."
Labeling: You identify yourself or other people with one characteristic or action. For example, you put off doing the laundry and think, "I am lazy."
Adaptive response: "I am not lazy. Sometimes I don't do as much as I could, but that doesn't mean I am lazy. I often work hard and do the best that I can. Even I need a break sometimes."
Personalizing: You take responsibility for a negative occurrence that is beyond your control. For example, you might blame yourself when the person in your care requires hospitalization or placement in a facility.
Adaptive response: "Mom's condition has gotten to the point where I can no longer take care of her myself. It is her condition and not my shortcomings that require her to be in a nursing home."
Using the "Triple-Column Technique": Unhelpful thought patterns are usually ingrained reactions or habits. To modify your negative thoughts, you will have to learn to recognize them, know why they are false, and talk back to them.
One helpful way to practice using more adaptive thinking processes is to use the "triple-column technique." Draw two lines down the center of a piece of paper to divide the paper into thirds. When you are feeling frustrated, take a personal "time out" and write your negative thoughts in the first column.
In the second column, try to identify the type of unhelpful pattern from the six examples above. In the third column, talk back to your negative thoughts with a more positive point of view.

I know sometimes it may seem like this blog is all about the frustrations a caregiver feels and is going through, maybe it sounds like I am complaining about the choice I made to become a stay at home caregiver, or perhaps I'm just venting to an audience that may or may not know what I am talking about or going through... I just want to be able to share my thoughts and story with you, my reader. Perhaps this blog will help you, or give you some view into the life of an HD caregiver. No one said it would be easy, but I must remember when I want to rip my hair out that patience is a virtue, or so they say...