Brand new day, time to change the world.

Clearly this will be a positive post as today I learned my results for HD. It was blurted out by my genetic counselor like the words just could not stop themselves from running out of her mouth, "It's NEGATIVE!" We (mom, brother, boyfriend, grandma, best friend and myself) took about .002 seconds before we gasped in some air and began crying, sobbing like toddlers. This horrific experience will lead to amazing things. I know now that I will not become a person lost in my own body and memories, but by the grace of God have been given the chance to live without wondering "what if?". I will spend the next several days I'm sure grasping the concept that I am no longer at-risk and am able to continue on this life with a renewed sense of self being and self worth. I know I will continue speaking out and raising awareness for family and friends who are impacted so deeply by HD and continue to fight the good fight. My thoughts, prayers and time will forever be devoted to those who must suffer for us to find a cure. My emotions are in overdrive, I'm not sure if I should laugh, cry or go to bed.

Sinking Ships

Tomorrow I will be learning what my results for Huntington's disease are. At the beginning of March I took the dive to get my blood test done. After being hassled back and forth between doctor appointments, genetic counseling appointments, waiting on insurance approval and finally trying to get my blood test done not once but three times the day have finally come. I'm am terrified and I think it has just hit me tonight. I cannot believe that it is here. The moment I have waited half a lifetime for will happen at 3pm tomorrow. I feel like I'm already in a fog about hearing my results. I want to cry and let it all out now, but my emotions are still telling me to hang in there. I am fearful for my future and what life after tomorrow will be like. Am I going to shout my results for the rooftop like I thought I always would, or will it be locked lips? My mother, brother, boyfriend, grandparents and best friend will be there with me tomorrow. I believe that I will walk out holding my head up because that is what my dad would want me to do. I can't help but hear my friend Katie's voice in the back of my mind saying, "you can't take it back..." I wont want to, as for now. What will this do, or change? My family and friends are so positive that I will indeed be negative. How let down will they be if my results are positive? What will they do, or how will they react? I am terribly afraid for what tomorrow will bring... Please if you read this, keep me, my family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

2013, with a BANG!

So my year is over of trying to find myself, figure out my future, graduate from college and find the love of my life. Check Check Check... Or so I thought. All the above have happened, but now it's down to the wire. I run out of my insurance in March, so what does this mean for me and my gene status? It means I will be finding out whether I have HD or not before my 23rd birthday. Am I afraid? Of course I am. Does anyone usually want to find out what they are eventually going to die from, probably not. I argued with Mike, the love of my life, last night at dinner. He said anything could be passed on, that it's possible to get anything. Which I am quite aware of, but then the ugliest sentence that has ever passed my lips was spoken, I told him I'd rather have cancer. I think I'd rather be given the shot to be able to put up the fight. I want to option to fight the disease I may or may not have rather than succumb to it. I know I always said I would never fall in love, get married, or even ever think about having children. But, it happened. This changes the game for me. Now what? What about Mike? What does this mean for us and for him? Does he really understand what he is getting himself into? I always knew that if I didn't have HD my life would go on as though nothing had changed and I would just keep doing what I am doing, but if it's positive? Do I crawl into a hole and never leave my house, or push my friends and family because they supported me in making what would seem to be the worst choice of my life, do I tell Mike to run far far away from me because I'm about to morph into a monster? For the love of God what do I do? What did you do? Each day I pace back and forth in my own head trying to make sense of this disease and how and why it has impact me, my life, and my family. Why us?! Oh, my Lord that is a different post in itself. I try to remind myself I have amazing friends in the HD community that I will only refer to as A, L, T and D, who have the best clue as to what I am about to go through and who have really sit by me and hold my hand and lend a shoulder for this rocky road I'm trying to walk down. Any advice? Please leave it as a comment.