After an argument today with my mother, probably not the best way to come about a decision, I've made up my mind that I will be getting tested for Huntington's Disease. I am too wrapped up in the what if's, that planning and living my life has become even more of a struggle. If I don't have it of course that will be a gift from God, but on the other hand that I do have it, well who knows what will happen?
Talking, well arguing rather with both my mother and grandmother today about what I feel and what I am going through lets me know they will stand by my decision, but ultimately it is up to me. Also that from a person who is at-risk's perspective, the reasons behind getting or not getting tested are not fully understood by any party.
I have began to have more slight movements in my feet and legs, some in my hands and back as well. Of course since I am the only one in my body, I am the only one to notice these movements. I want to be tested to take away the dark gray rain cloud that hangs over the heads of many who are at-risk. Wondering each moment, "Did I do that because of HD?" I want to be able to plan my life out, if I have HD, no I will not be having children, I will graduate from college, and I will do everything else to the fullest of my abilities. (I guess).
I wish the people around me could more so understand my perspective. I feel like if I get tested and find out I do have HD I will in an odd unrealated way be letting down my entire family... Because it didn't end with my dad and brother, that it chose me too. That I would be somehow a burden on my mother because we were all taken by this disease and that she will be left all alone with no one by her side. I feel afraid for if/when I will have to deal with people staring at me, not because I just finsihed doing something remarkable, but because I cannot stand still. I am afraid of not being able to care for myself and instead have to rely on others to do things for me. I am afraid that if I were to have it and it were to progress further I will be all alone in the world. That I will silently be remembering when things were different... when things were better.
This decision may seem hasty but as many of you know making the decision is one thing, doing the test is another. During my argument I said, "THEN I WONT TELL ANYONE WHAT MY RESULTS ARE!" As if somehow that would be different than just living at-risk. But, no one else can make this decision, only me, just me.
